June 24
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An airplane comes into land under the control of the co-pilot, and the pilot is freaking out. As the plane screeches to a halt, the releived pilot says, "Man, that was the shortest runway I have ever landed on."
"Yeah," says the co-pilot. "Which is weird, because it's so wide."
2120 replies to this topic
#641
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 24 June 2008 - 06:26 PM
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#642
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 24 June 2008 - 08:27 PM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#643
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 25 June 2008 - 10:20 AM
Wednesday 25th June 2008:
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why " snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why " snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#644
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 25 June 2008 - 06:19 PM
June 25 - OMG only six months till Santa time
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A man sits back in his chair and light a cigarette. His girlfriend watches him and says, "I wish you'd stop smoking - it's bad for you. Can't you see the warnings on the packet?"
The man replies, "Hey, I'm a computer programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
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A man sits back in his chair and light a cigarette. His girlfriend watches him and says, "I wish you'd stop smoking - it's bad for you. Can't you see the warnings on the packet?"
The man replies, "Hey, I'm a computer programmer. We don't worry about warnings; we only worry about errors."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#645
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 26 June 2008 - 06:15 PM
June 26 - OMG only six months till Boxing Day
-------------------------------------------
Sign on a Los Angeles tow truck:
We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows.
-------------------------------------------
Sign on a Los Angeles tow truck:
We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We want tows.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#646
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 26 June 2008 - 06:27 PM
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#647
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:40 PM
June 27
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Medical researchers have started using lawyers instead of rats for experiments. Lawyers are more plentiful, lab assistants don't get attached to them, and there are some things rats won't do. However, it is hard to transfer the test results to humans.
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Medical researchers have started using lawyers instead of rats for experiments. Lawyers are more plentiful, lab assistants don't get attached to them, and there are some things rats won't do. However, it is hard to transfer the test results to humans.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#648
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 27 June 2008 - 07:54 PM
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The Landlord looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The Landlord looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not, I'm a Fungi!"
The Landlord looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The Landlord looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not, I'm a Fungi!"
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#649
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 28 June 2008 - 06:18 PM
June 28
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Why don't clams give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
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Why don't clams give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#650
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 28 June 2008 - 11:33 PM
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.
The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind.
Do that now.
All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.
The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind.
Do that now.
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#651
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 29 June 2008 - 05:20 PM
June 29
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Heard on a flight to San Antonio:
"In the event of a sudden decrease in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Stop screaming, take the mask, and put it over your face, If you have a small child, put your mask on before you help them with their mask. If you have more than one small child, choose your favorite."
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Heard on a flight to San Antonio:
"In the event of a sudden decrease in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. Stop screaming, take the mask, and put it over your face, If you have a small child, put your mask on before you help them with their mask. If you have more than one small child, choose your favorite."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#652
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 30 June 2008 - 06:11 PM
June 30 - half way there already
--------------------------------
Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. They tell everyone to line up against the wall and start collecting wallets. Suddenly the first lawyer shoves something into the second lawyer's hand. "What's this?" asks the second lawyer.
"It's that 50 bucks I owe you," the first lawyer replies.
--------------------------------
Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. They tell everyone to line up against the wall and start collecting wallets. Suddenly the first lawyer shoves something into the second lawyer's hand. "What's this?" asks the second lawyer.
"It's that 50 bucks I owe you," the first lawyer replies.
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#653
RB
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PISH Artist
Posted 30 June 2008 - 06:27 PM
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft Software Engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
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Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cyberpunk:- alienated loner who lives on the edge of society in generally dystopic future where daily life is impacted by rapid technological change, an ubiquitous datasphere of computerized information, and invasive modification of the human body.....Hmmmmm
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
#654
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 01 July 2008 - 05:45 PM
July 1
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A man walks into a bar with an alligator and asks the barman if they serve lawyers.
"Of course we do," says the barman.
"Great," says the man. "I'll have a beer and my alligator will have a lawyer."
-----
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and asks the barman if they serve lawyers.
"Of course we do," says the barman.
"Great," says the man. "I'll have a beer and my alligator will have a lawyer."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#655
mazooma
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 02 July 2008 - 06:49 PM
July 2
-----
A blonde is playing Trivial Persuit with friends. She lands on "Science and Nature" and is asked, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear them?"
The blonde thinks for a while then asks, "Is it on or off?"
-----
A blonde is playing Trivial Persuit with friends. She lands on "Science and Nature" and is asked, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear them?"
The blonde thinks for a while then asks, "Is it on or off?"
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#656
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:22 PM
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Let's smash Partytime.
#657
mazooma
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I'm not dead yet
Posted 03 July 2008 - 07:07 PM
July 4
-----
A business owner was talking to her friends about management.
"I make each of my employees take a week off at least every three weeks."
"Why do you do that?" asked her friends.
"It really helps me see which ones I can do without."
-----
A business owner was talking to her friends about management.
"I make each of my employees take a week off at least every three weeks."
"Why do you do that?" asked her friends.
"It really helps me see which ones I can do without."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#658
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 04 July 2008 - 06:36 PM
July 3 - Hey, I've got the days mixed up.
---------------------------------------
Seen on a stand selling Valentine's cards:
Now available in packs of ten!
---------------------------------------
Seen on a stand selling Valentine's cards:
Now available in packs of ten!
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#659
mazooma
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- Regulars
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- 915 posts
I'm not dead yet
Posted 05 July 2008 - 07:03 AM
July 5
------
"Why don't you play golf with Tom any mor?"
"Well, would you want to play with someone who gets drunk, throws his club, and offends everyone in the group?"
"No!"
"Well neither does Tom."
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"Why don't you play golf with Tom any mor?"
"Well, would you want to play with someone who gets drunk, throws his club, and offends everyone in the group?"
"No!"
"Well neither does Tom."
Where you came from, is gone.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
Where you thought you were going, was never there.
And where you're at right now, aint no good, unless you can get away from it.
#660
raverpat
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Retired punter of 16 years
Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:29 AM
Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any fags when he goes on his holidays.
Murphy says yes cheers mate get me 200 Bensons.
2 weeks later paddy comes back home, sees Murphy in the pub and says, I got your fags, you owe me £84.50... 'Bloody Hell' said Murphy, where did you go on holiday... Paddy says Butlins.
Murphy says yes cheers mate get me 200 Bensons.
2 weeks later paddy comes back home, sees Murphy in the pub and says, I got your fags, you owe me £84.50... 'Bloody Hell' said Murphy, where did you go on holiday... Paddy says Butlins.
Let's smash Partytime.
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