Well, I believe the same is true for things that we haven’t seen over a long, long time, since the days of our youth. How many of us here have unfeasibly fond memories of one old car/bike or other, or a first girlfriend?
By way of example, I used to lurrve my old Yam RD400 aircooled ‘stroker; I had such wild, happy times on it – I used to think she and I were invincible. We used to smoke far more powerful opposition, back in the day, in those heady, testosterone-fuelled times, winding through the sunny back roads of Essex, the sweet smell of synthetic two stroke oil smoke in the air. We eventually parted when self-induced poverty forced her reluctant sale. I couldn’t have been more heartbroken; the bikers among you will understand.
Many, many years later, I spent good money on buying another one, in some misguided effort to relive my misspent youth – what a disappointment. The sad reality was this; the bike was really nothing more than a charming, but totally antiquated, noisy and above all unreliable piece of junk. Modern stuff like my Trumpet Speed Triple wouldn’t even need to get out of second gear to keep up with it; the electrics were a joke and the single calliper ‘70s disc brakes… oh my word. It’s a wonder the bloody thing stopped at all especially with no engine braking to be had from the two stroke motor. Far better then, if I’d just left the past and my happy memories of it well alone…
… which brings me neatly to the present subject matter: Barcrest MPU4 Club Adders and Ladders.
I won’t say that I was madly in love with it, back in the day, but it always seemed to be a fun, rather genteel game and invariably vastly less brutal than catching a BFM at the ‘wrong time’. There was one of these machines set at 10p/£100JP in the football social club that I used to frequent from time to time; I took plenty of £16 and £20 boards off it, a fifty quid reel win and at least a couple of jackpots – all off nice simple hold or nudge/flashold setpieces. (On 10p play, a £20 board was a reasonable sub-JP prize of course; unlike the Club Hyper Viper dual stake that was also there at the same time, the win values on this single stake machine were not halved).
I well remember the first rash of MPU4 gen Adders and Ladders AWPs – these were among the first heavily feature based ‘modern’ AWPs. They came as quite a surprise to me; most of Barcrest’s offerings for the preceding two years were utter gash in my opinion, absolutely useless in comparison to their BFM Scorp 1 and Scorp 2 contempories, not to mention Project or Electrocoin also. JPM System 5s were making their presence felt also; I loved Cat and Mouse, Popeye and Fairground. You know the ‘Crests I am talking about here – most had that lame ‘Money Maker’ top feature and in particular, there was that awful 4-reel Blackjack AWP thing, as well as something or other with ‘Twin Win’ as one of the features, purporting to be a skill AWP, but as poor a comparison as is imaginable, as compared to BFM Double Chance and the rest.
Adders and Ladders AWP introduced an exciting, fluid, heavily feature based gameplay, reasonable higher level features and frequent JPs via the incremental nudgepot. Sure, it wasn’t perfect – too many times one would get feature entry > roll a 5 > mystery > Snakebite (lose), but it was good. Hyper Viper was marginally better with a reduced tendency to do this and with slightly improved features, and of course the myriad of semi-clones such as Road Hog, Andy Capp and all the rest, which all played rather similarly. These were all fun games to play.
As I’ve often mentioned before though, clubbers were much more my bag than AWPs. To me, I couldn’t really see the point of playing an AWP with a maximum cash prize of £2.40, when equally entertaining club machines were out there – frequently set to a higher percentage than were to be found in seaside arcades and especially motorway service stations – with up to £100 cash to be had from only half the price per play. (It’s not as simple as that though, of course. But this was my logic at the time).
Club Adders and Ladders was the very epitome of the AWP-type clubber. It looked absolutely fantastic to my eyes, like so many Barcrests which are, if nothing else, very beautiful, accomplished machines - visually at least. There was, of course, the same snakes and ladders feature board (albeit much larger), the same largely feature-focused gameplay, nudgepot all present and correct – but with four times the top feature board prize value for half the price per play. (I’ve often criticised Barcrest for limiting the top feature prize value to £20, unlike BFM clubbers which can give the JP or CP off even relatively lowly skill features such as Reelmatch. That criticism still stands, albeit it is mitigated somewhat where the cost per play is only 5p or 10p).
I always considered that the best way to think of this machine was of that of a ‘super AWP’ which had a £20 cash jackpot, rather than as a true clubber. That way, when thought of along those lines, it was a pretty good, fun machine.
To be fair, the £20 + feature repeat was relatively hard to get, but £10 off four grapes or three double bars/£16 off four melons were very frequent indeed - usually via feature nudges or occasionally via Pick A Win or Nudge Spinner. I’d go so far as to say that the feature nudgepot was really the main focus of the game, although getting the big ladder to 6 Win Spins was also a welcome event too. (I learned to always collect this immediately – the machine always seemed to like punishing you for greedily pressing onwards from this point – Snakebite was as common a mystery outcome as for its baby AWP brother!)
Just like the AWP, the mystery hazards were a little too frequent and unduly harsh, Snakebite in particular. I’ve no idea why Barcrest felt it necessary to have shitty little single or double cherry ‘forced collect’ spins upon getting this, somewhat reminiscent of the odd token being spat out at you by the AWP under similar circumstances (‘Free Games’), as these only served to add insult to injury. Spin Evens to Continue retained the AWP trick of letting this time out for a guaranteed continue though, if starting on an even number – even if only to deliver you to another Mystery and the inevitable Snakebite for your troubles, more often than not.
Up ‘n Over was a bit shit too, this often effectively being a forced collect, even on derisory cash values. Stopper never moved you very far from your position – occasionally but not often in harm’s way – but Adders or Ladders was an exciting twist. (I always used to aim for the large, aforementioned 6 Win Spins ladder, which it did give fairly often).
Of course, no appraisal of the feature board would be complete without mention of the snakes themselves, most especially the huge, horrible big one on the penultimate square before the £20 payday. Gah; the machine loved to stiff you with this, but at least it was a Mystery at the end of it, rather than a small, forced collect win. Personally, I found even this less irritating that the tiny little one leading to the Loot Shoot feature – was there ever a club machine feature more shit than this? I seriously doubt it; I used to hit collect in sheer disgust without even bothering to look at the alpha, usually for 20p or 40p!
All of that said, the machine did used to give the odd larger win, usually seemingly at random and always in open play off nudges or hold setpiece. It was pretty cool to know that the machine could give a flash hold off nudges and didn’t allow two or three triple bars to be nudged (in a non-winning configuration obv.) very often – so this always added to the excitement. Although unlikely, whenever this did occur, you’d always be half expecting the very welcome flashing hold buttons on the next credit!
All in all then, Club Adders and Ladders was a fun little game. Very ‘Barcresty’ to be sure, but pleasant to play all the same. Imagine my delight when sifting through Fruit Emu’s various release threads, I found Tommy’s nice little DX of this game. I cheerfully downloaded it, fired the old girl up and… Oh dear. It’s that Yamaha RD400 heartbreaker syndrome, all over again…
… As I always say, WWC is not about reviewing layouts – I leave that to those who’ve produced a few of their own in their time and know what they’re talking about, in start contrast to myself. That said though, I’ve shovelled a fair-sized mountain of virtual cash through one layout or other since my induction to the Scene perhaps fully 10 years ago now, so I like to think that I know a nice little layout when I see one. Sure, this is one of Tommy’s earlier works; one only has to look at his latest superb effort, ACE Go for Gold, to see that progress has been made on his part. I maintain however that I like this DX though; very reminiscent of some of the best from the early days of the Scene and perfectly serviceable, albeit the Exchange and Bank buttons are swapped.
I want to be clear however, that whatever my criticisms of the emulated game here – and by Heavens they are many – these do not apply to Tommy or his fine work, which is much appreciated by me, to be sure.
Right then, let’s get down to it shall we? I must have piled £4000 into this 20p per play, max stake virtual machine and I have never been offered anything above £20 in all of that time (much less still in open play, including via the truly dire rigged travesty of a gamble). I should mention that even £20 has been a veritable rarity; even the few highlights have been just the tenner off four grapes from nudges or perhaps a little more via the very rarely given 8 Win Spins, the odd full house of melons from Nudge Spinner. Other than that, it has been a steady procession of shit. I mean, where to start here?
In open play, you’ve pretty much got the feature or the odd cherry win – that’s it. The win values are pretty shit anyway; £1.60 for four lemons on a 20p/play clubber anyone? But even if this were not so, it’d make no difference anyway – it’s not as though this machine will ever let you nudge or hold open play reel wins in anyway. Plus, the gamble is just so unbelievably shit – worse possibly than even Club Red Hot Roll even (another truly dire MPU4 Barcrest clubber) – you wouldn’t want them, even if it did.
Basically then, it is all about the feature and by definition, the capped £20 top prize. I criticised JPM Fairground Attraction Club for its capped £75 gamble, quite rightly. f*** me though; £75 on this machine is less likely than Hell freezing over and that lovely old JPM would eventually roll over and hand out its Cashpot, too. I’ve sat and watched that Cashpot shakily climb inexorably to its eventual £100 maximum over thousands of virtual pounds – I’ve been mercilessly taunted by triple bars ‘showing’, holding and otherwise being within nudge range – all to absolutely no avail. Holding for a nudge on this thing is like holding out for Eternity.
In terms of the feature game, it’s a mere shadow of how I remember it. By rights, this should be gagging to give plenty of big prizes, top features and nudgepots. But does it though? Does it balls. Sure, there are all too brief periods where you think – however fleetingly – that the machine is going to give back some value. I’ve tried collecting mid-value cash awards of around £4, perhaps 4 Win Spins and the odd Cash Climb, only to be stiffed in no time. I’ve tried brute forcing for the £20 top prize – this is eventually given but will nearly always cost you vastly more to get it and all that forcing puts the machine in an even fouler mood, if that’s possible to even imagine. I’ve tried going all out for the Cashpot via reel nudges and holds, knowing this is well overdue. I’ve attempted to gamble out the JP or at least a prize remotely befitting that of a top stake club fruit machine.
In fact, I’ve tried all manner of tactics, simulated ‘player personalities’ from wetter than a kipper old duffer to the most rabid forcer, and every trick that I know to tickle this machine into to giving something – anything – back value-wise, out of some misplaced loyalty to my now shattered fond memories of it – all to no avail.
After all this time it is still far to eager to kill you before you’ve even so much as been offered £3 from a board (20p play remember!) It’s just as f*****g intransigent, miserable and above all, irredeemably piss-taking as it was when I first downloaded it. In desperation, I even put the f*****g thing into Test Mode, disbelieving as I was that it was even capable of awarding a bar win? It was capable of course; I forced four double bars onto the win line for £100, only to be offered a double or nothing gamble, just as if it were a single cherry (I seem to remember the double bars auto-collecting on the 10p play, fixed stake variant I played, but it was a long time ago and I could be mistaken). It lost of course, even in Test Mode. FFS.
We all of us here know what the features do etc., no sense in teaching granny to suck eggs, but very briefly:’
‘Loot Shoot’ – absolute shite. OK this is a low feature, but I mean come on Barcrest! A crappy alpha-based pseudo-skill game with x1 to x6 (woohoo!) 20p multiplier. This was pretty rubbish on a £4.80JP AWP, so you can imagine how ‘successful’ its implementation is on a £200JP max. stake clubber.
‘Nice Dice’ – there’s nothing nice about this crappy feature – the dice spins 1 to 12, again for a derisory 20p multiplier game. Show me the man who’d actually, like, collect this feature?
2/4/6/8 Win Spins – up to £4 per spin (occasionally only, via 3 melons), nothing more and much more frequently a procession of crappy cherry, lemon and orange wins with their aforementioned hopelessly inadequate win values. Predictable and rubbish for 2 or 4 spins, barely acceptable for 6 or 8. About as unpredictable as the sun rising each morning; what harm would there have been in throwing in a very occasion big win – even just a tenner – into the running order to keep the player interested/awake?
‘Cash Climber’ – a ‘three crowns’ type cash climber; not a bad idea (if hardly original), but of course, the implementation here is truly dire. Seen it go for 60p or 80p loads of times and very rarely more than £4, once in a blue moon. Shit/wholly uncollectable.
‘Money Trap’ – shitty alpha moneybelt that’s identical to the AWP version. As exciting and rewarding as that description sounds; less fun than contracting polio.
‘’Pick A Win’ – reel based pick a win, usually up for £4 or £6 so not as bad as the earlier features, very occasionally even a tenner – but it’s all too easy to get too greedy with it and be stiffed with two or three cherries on the last spin as a result.
‘Nudge Spinner’ – reel nudges based ‘choose a nudge’, each respin costing one nudge until only a single nudge remains, which must be collected. Contrived nonsense; the number of nudges having no bearing on anything, Choose a Win by another name. Still, it usually offers at least £6 and can frequently go to a tenner, even the odd £16 (which is the highest possible win and therefore should be collected – it doesn’t get any better than that, sadly).
‘Cash Attack’ – stop the cash squares until it decides you’ve won enough, anywhere from £5 to £10 usually.
‘Super Steppa’ – total misnomer; there is no ‘stepping’ going on at all; the feature board merely keeps climbing to cash values until it decides you’ve won enough. Pretty shit for a top feature; no better than Cash Attack and it has an infuriating habit of giving loads of 20p wins right at the end.
Needless to say, no feature ever repeats and none is capable of breaking through the £20 max. prize barrier (unlike sister-in-skin Club Hyper Viper, whose ‘Feature Blitz’ could manage this to a slight extent on occasion).
I could go on of course, but I think by now you’ll be getting the picture here. All that really needs to be said is this:
Club Adders and Ladders, as emulated at least, is a travesty of a club fruit machine, easily among Barcrest’s very worst efforts. The open play is shit, reel nudges are useless for anything besides getting the feature – which is both capped and shit for 95% of the time. The gamble is just the worst ever; the fruit prize values are totally to cock and derisory – even assuming you had access to said prizes, which you do not of course – and the major wins from single bars and beyond, including the Cashpot, might just as well not exist. Above all else, it is a piss-taking money pit. If such a thing ever actually existed at all, I’d have given it around a fortnight at the most before I, or someone like me punched its lights out, back in the day – or worse. (Someone once famously broke into one of the clubs and smashed all the machines, even though they had been emptied – not me, I hasten to add).
Playing this thing, I am reminded of a gloating old Barcrest advert for Action Nudges or somesuch, depicting armed security guards having to empty that machine’s cashbox, there being so much money in it. The irony, of course, is that machines such as this don’t make huge profits, not in the long term at least, because players eventually suss on to the fact that they ain’t gonna ever win from them. And let’s not even go into the ethics and moralities of it...
Day of Judgement
Of course, there is no doubt that this machine is a Sinner – many times over.
No, the only question for me is whether the machine ‘merits’ the ultimate WWC sanction – a 0/10 rating, only ever given once previously to another truly dire Barcrest – MPU4 Hit The Top, surely the very benchmark of an appalling machine. I truly had no hesitation in that case; this machine was without one shred of redemption. It, more than any other, deserved its grisly fate at the hands of the monstrous Casino Grandslam that a ‘zero rating’ automatically entails.
As I type these words in the Six Reeler Gamesroom, I look over towards the big ‘Slam… it glowers at me expectantly, a magnificent but devilish sight, a blaze of black and gold. The sky blue SixFive Special shudders slightly; lights flickering monentarily, here and there.
I make my decision. As appalling as this machine is – probably deserving even of such a fate – I cannot bring myself to do it. No, the big, bad ‘Slam will not be fed today; anyway, it has rather bigger fish to fry presently, as I shall shortly be recounting to you.
Rose tinted spectacles, sentimentality, call it what you will – for old time’s sake, Club Adders and Ladders lives to breathe another day, just, albeit stripped of all honour and in total, abject shame.
WWC SAS Rating: 1/10, Archdemon
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