14 replies to this topic

[ady]

Marijuana has nevre dunn mi nya hram

What do you get if you cross a microchip with a vagina?
Some little c*** that knows it all.

Don't let them cut hire education.

Why do Essex girls wear C & A knickers?
So they know which way round to put them on.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to santa?

In recent tests, 138% of maths teachers scored below average.

This is the worst chewing-gum I've ever tasted.
– yes, but you can blow fantastic bubbles.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do they report power cuts on TV?

[fruitymad2003]

Lol funniest thing ive read in a while 8O Ive been used to Text Books for the last weeks

Nice one Ady lol

[eddiec]

Here's something that demonstrates the wierdness of the brain....

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a ttoal mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

[hurtand165]

here are a few more.

Q: How does a lesbian asthmatic breathe?
A: In snatches


A girl of 23 married a man of 84. After she returned from her honeymoon, all her friends wanted to know how it went.

"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"



When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blond bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband only lets me have one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?

She replies ... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!"



Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.



Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.



Q: What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.



Q: What does a Hoover vacuum and Viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand...




and those where the clean ones.


hurtand165

[Memap]

Here's something that demonstrates the wierdness of the brain....

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a ttoal mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

You lost me when you splet important with an 'e'

[eddiec]

The spelling is not the crux. Don't be picky.

Just read it - and you will find you can.... that's the point of it.

[stef101]

Not bad not bad at all i used 2 no alot of bad j*kes but i havent got a good memory if i remember them i will post them gd 1's ady and andrew and that mixed up 1 woz u cud say mixed up!!! :? Stef

[todd1970]

Ok...heres mine Guy goes into a bar with his dog...sits at the bar and orders a pint of lager..Barman pulls the pint and goes £2.20 please..The man replies.."i have no money...but if i can prove my dog is a blacksmith...can i have it for free?"..the barman looks perplexed...thinking the guy is a wierdo goes.."ill do better than that..if you can prove it you can drink here for free all night"...OK.."watch goes the guy"..turns to his dog and says "walkies rover"...and the dog makes a bolt for the door Ok crap i know...but its the best i can do. [hr:d1166bebbb]

[mrmystery83]

There was a bloke at the door the other day collecting for the local swimming pool. So i gave him a glass of water!!

Have you read:

the wind blew it away by Lydia Dustbin

mess in the road by G.G. dunnit

why to buy insurance by Justin Case

fall from a cliff by irelene dover

stamp out crime by lauren order

no way out by isdora exit

escape of the killer bull by gay topen

the haunted house by hugo first

here some dictionary jokes:

abandon - what a hat sometimes has
acquire- a group of singers
address - what women wear but men don't
bison - what a son says when he leaves his boy
debate - used for luring the fish to the hook
denial - an egyptian river
divine - where de grapes grow
eclipse - what a gardener does to a hedge
hatchet - what a hen does with an egg
intense - where campers sleep
juicy - did you notice that?
market - what a teacher does with homework
picket - what you do to your nose
unaware - clothes you put on first
urchin - the lower part of a womens face
urgent - that same womens boyfriend
vertigo - the question you ask someone before going on a journey

speaking of the above joke about barbie have you heard of new divorcee barbie? she costs £10,000 but comes complete with ken's house and car lol

just thought i'd contribute summat :wink:

[PJ]

...Have you read:...

How about:-


The Height Of Probability - Morgan Likely

The Great Drought of Newcastle - Deanna Thorstlake
(published by R Haddaway & Sheightman)


Only a couple, but they're mine...

[mrmystery83]

Hey i went to a cowboy themed fancy dress party the other night but i couldn't hire a costume out in time so i took a paper bag and went as a 'rustler' lol (oh dear mine get worse lol)

what's pink and hard?
a pig with a flick knife!!

[colins_mini]

WHATS BLACK AND SWINGS THROUGH THE TREES?




TARZANS COALMAN!!!

[todd1970]

JEEEEZZ i thought mine was bad 8O ...LOL only joking mate [hr:9c34c4a74f]

[hurtand165]

seems like a popular thread, anyway heres a few more.


Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.

Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.



A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
"Nope," came the reply.
Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?"
The man also replied, "Nope."
"Shit, it must have been an inside job."


I have decided to start a new career. I'm going to be a Nipple Inspector for Female Joggers.
The pay might be lousy, but I bet the tips will be great.


I softly stroked her breasts and deftly caressed her leg as I spoke of my desire.
One at a time, I slowly licked my way up her hot thighs.

Then the bloody security guard showed up and kicked me out of KFC!




hurtand165

[mrmystery83]

There was a young man from galizes
Who's balls were of two different sizes
One was small and nothing at all
But the other was big and won prizes!!

Two women talking one says "hey did ya hear about that bloke with the 21 inch co**?" her mate says "i don't believe ya"
"i knew you'd never swallow that" her mate says lol

A penguin is driving along in his car and all of a sudden the engine starts spluttering so he goes to the garage and the bloke says "leave it with me mate and come back later". So the penguin decides to go for an icecream with him being used to the cold and that but makes a bit of a mess and forgets to wipe his mouth. He goes back to the garage and the bloke comes out from under the bonnet and says "it looks like you've just blown a seal" the penguin says " no nothing like that mate just eating an icecream" lmao