Kids nowadays are illterate. When I was at school we learnt the 3 R's

Woodwork, Geography and Spelling !!!!!!!!!!!

A friend of mine the other day asked me, " Did I want to be a member of the Large Ventilation Shaft Appreciation Society ?"

I said, "No Thanks"

He Said, "Why?"

I said, "Because I'm not a big fan!!!!" 

Sad to hear that the inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

The inventor of the crossword was buried today. Three down and Four across.

My ex girlfriend had a water bed, it was great at first , but after awhile we just drifted apart !!!

My grandad was really ill a few months ago.

Doctors had tried everything, so as a last resort, we decided to smear his back with loads of butter.

It was a bad move really, as he went downhill really quickly after that !!!!

My ex wife would often batter me over the head with bottles of bleach if I made a mistake and burnt the tea....but one day, thankfully, I built up the courage to flee, and I’m now glad to say that I am no longer a victim of Domestos abuse.

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We were so poor when I was younger, I thought knives and forks were jewellery.

I wanted an electric train set for Christmas. All I got was a platform ticket and a piece of fuse wire !!!

OK Max...

What's brown and sticky ?

A stick.

Is a 'Locksmith', classed as a 'Keyworker' ?

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This morning at the Asda check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out when she was alive.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

Who is Borussia Moenchengladbach’s most hated supporter? The one who shouts “Give me a B”.

After several years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays ...............But I go fishing on Fridays!

Police are warning the public that terrorist have planted bombs inside tins of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti.

They say if one of these tins explode, it could spell  'D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R'.

I got a book out of the library the other day, "The History Of Glue".

I haven't been able to put it down all week, I'm stuck on Chapter 4 !!!!!!!

I Pad

 

Its when you break your neck trying to bend over and lick your ass clean like a cat you need to worry

My brother came round the other day, the cat was in the living room licking its nuts. I said "I bet you wish you could do that?" 

He said "Yes".

Well, if you talk to him nicely, he might let you!!!!!!

Tesco Penis extensions, because 'Every Little Helps'

Computer games don't affect kids.

I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we would all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive music !!!!

What's pink and hard first thing in the morning ?

The Financial Times Crossword.

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers ?

Your mum on washing day.

The Missus ran off with my next door neighbour.

God I miss him !!!!!

Two women working on the checkout at Tescos. One says to the other, 'I can tell if a bloke is single'.  The other says, 'How do you do that?'

She says, 'Watch this'.

A bloke comes up with a single mushroom, a single slice of bacon, a can of tomatoes and an egg. She says, 'You're a single bloke?'

He says, 'How do you know that?'

She says, 'Because you're a right ugly c*nt!'

I went to the Doctors yesterday for a Prostate Examination.

I said where do I put my trousers ?

He said next to mine !!!!

I use to have a fear of climbing Chestnut trees.

I'm OK now, I think I conquered it!!!!!