I was woken up the other morning by the smell of fishy breath, whiskers tickling my face and a rough wet tongue licking me.  

I do wish the missus would stop doing that !!!!!

My grandad was really ill a few months ago.

Doctors had tried everything, so as a last resort, we decided to smear his back with loads of butter.

It was a bad move really, as he went downhill really quickly after that !!!!

My dog ate a whole box of Scrabble tiles the other day.

The vet said he would be alright, but to keep an eye on his vowel movements.

I was really annoyed the other day when the staff at the Odeon Cinema said that they wouldn't accept a £50 note when I was paying for my 'Pick-N-Mix'.

In the end I had to pay with two twenties and a ten !!!!!!

Two women working on the checkout at Tescos. One says to the other, 'I can tell if a bloke is single'.  The other says, 'How do you do that?'

She says, 'Watch this'.

A bloke comes up with a single mushroom, a single slice of bacon, a can of tomatoes and an egg. She says, 'You're a single bloke?'

He says, 'How do you know that?'

She says, 'Because you're a right ugly c*nt!'

I got a jigsaw for Christmas and finished it in a week !!!!

On the front of the box it said '3 to 4 years' !!!!!

I just bought a book 'The History Of Glue'.

I haven't been able to put it down all week !!!!

I'm stuck on Chapter 2 !!!!

Also bought a book on 'The History Of Concrete', found that hard to understand !!!!!

This stupid panic buying is ridiculous.

I've just been charged £15 for Oxo Cubes !!!

The Stock Market has gone crazy !!!!!

Sadly, my bereavement councilor died the other day.

He did such a good job, I didn't give a toss !!!!!

I've started a yacht building company in my attic.

Sails are going through the roof.

What did the inflatable Headmaster say to the inflatable Pupil in the inflatable School ?????? 

You've let me down, let yourself down and what's more you've let the School down !!!!

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order.

People ask me how do you find the thyme ???

It's easy, it's right next to the sage !!!!

(for the hard of thinking, second line, play on words, time).

What's red and invisible ?

No tomatoes.

Didn't get that one either?

How many women with P.M.T does it take to change a light bulb ?

TWO, BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, ALRIGHT !!!!!!!!

Yesterday thieves broke into our local Police station and stole all the toilets.

A police spokesman today said, "At the moment we have nothing to go on".

Local Police are trying to locate a man who has stabbed six people in the buttocks with a knitting needle.

A Police spokesman said, " We think that the Knitting Needle Nutter is working to some kind of pattern" !!!!

Police are warning the public that terrorist have planted bombs inside tins of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti.

They say if one of these tins explode, it could spell  'D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R'.

Young man, there's a place you can go

I said young man, when you're short on your dough

You can stay there and I'm sure you will find

Many ways to have a good time

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

They have everything for you men to enjoy

You can hang out with all the boys

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

.

Police arrested two men yesterday, one for eating fireworks and one for drinking battery acid.

The man who ate the fireworks was let off and the man who drank the battery acid was put on a charge !!!

Ricardo De Ponsa

News At ten

Sober.

My Grief Councillor died the other day, he was so good at his job, I didn't give a shit !!!

I am a good Doctor about to be struck off for having sex with one of my patients - ten years of training down the drain by

the British Veterinary Council.

Dr. Ricardo De Ponsa (Struck Off).

The worst thing about my Prostate exam was when I felt both the doctors hands on my shoulders????

Anything more than one finger, ain't a Prostate Exam !!!! Believe Me !!!

Dr. Ricardo De Ponsa (Struck Off)

I went to the Doctors yesterday for a Prostate Examination.

I said where do I put my trousers ?

He said next to mine !!!!

I was shopping in my local Poundland the other day and came across the 'Sexual Wellbeing' shelf !!!

Allergy relief, Savlon and sticky plasters ?????  Any ideas please ????

Ok then.

How do you kill a Circus ???

Go for the Juggler !!!!!!!