2120 replies to this topic

[bri365]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

[Geddy]

Just come  back from the World Strawberry picking Championships, a woman with no legs won.... jammy c*nt

[cashbox1]

just had a phone call from a mate of mine - he`s a died in the wool west bromwich albion fan,he was sobbing his heart out on the phone  WTF is up mate i asked him,"i`ve just lost my new season ticket","£300 quid i paid for it" - i thought what a selfish bastard...just think about the poor sod who is going to find it

[bri365]

Just come  back from the World Strawberry picking Championships, a woman with no legs won.... jammy c*nt

This has got to be the most repeated joke on this forum.

[barcrest junky]

This has got to be the most repeated joke on this forum.

It is traditional. Every 1st June, shows all is right with the world.

[stanmarsh14]

This has got to be the most repeated joke on this forum.

 

IRC tradition at it's finest

[stardust]

I was speaking to a gay mate the other day and asked if he put up with any shit from his friends...

 

"Often" he said, "especially if they hadn't been to the toilet first!"

[bri365]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[stardust]

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[unclechicken]

Two women were talking in a beauticians waiting room. First one says "I'm here for my legs waxed". Second one says "I'm having my a-hole bleached". First one says "I cant imagine your husband with blonde hair!"

 

------------------------

 

Phone rings and the wife answers it. A man heavy breathing says "I bet you have a tight arse, with no hair".....

Wife replies "Yes, he's watching the snooker, who shall I say wants him?"

 

--------------------------------------

 

If your palm itches youre gonna get something, if your crotch itches, you already have it.

[ricardo de ponsa]

What's red and invisible ?

 

No tomatoes.

 

Didn't get that one either?

 

 

How many women with P.M.T does it take to change a light bulb ?

 

TWO, BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, ALRIGHT !!!!!!!!

[bri365]

To the person who stole my glasses I will find you I have contacts.

[cashbox1]

I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”

[ricardo de ponsa]

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order.

 

People ask me how do you find the thyme ???

 

It's easy, it's right next to the sage !!!!

 

 

(for the hard of thinking, second line, play on words, time).

[ricardo de ponsa]

Two women working on the checkout at Tescos. One says to the other, 'I can tell if a bloke is single'.  The other says, 'How do you do that?'

She says, 'Watch this'.

A bloke comes up with a single mushroom, a single slice of bacon, a can of tomatoes and an egg. She says, 'You're a single bloke?'

He says, 'How do you know that?'

She says, 'Because you're a right ugly c*nt!'

Edited by ricardo de ponsa, 12 July 2019 - 09:55 PM.

[unclechicken]

What's red and invisible ?

 

No tomatoes.

 

Didn't get that one either?

 

 

How many women with P.M.T does it take to change a light bulb ?

 

TWO, BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, ALRIGHT !!!!!!!!

 

Whats red and invisible and goes up and down?

 

No tomatoes in a lift.

[bri365]

Whilst out walking today I found an envelope with over £2000 in it. My mind played tricks on me, should I hand it in or should I spend it. In mental torture, I went and asked the local vicar what I should do. The vicar asked me to the right thing and think about what Jesus would do.................So I turned it into wine.

[bri365]

To whoever stole my 24 cans of redbull.........................how do you sleep at night.

[ricardo de ponsa]

The Missus ran off with my next door neighbour.

 

God I miss him !!!!!

[bri365]

To whom ever stole my Limbo Dancing equipment..............................How low can you get.