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Old joke (it made me giggle)


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#1701 nails

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 10:18 AM

Is there a Stanley on here ?

 

tell him ive got his knife.



#1702 bri365

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Posted 09 October 2017 - 09:29 PM

wife collapsed yesterday with a suspected heart attack. I sent for an ambulance. Just hope it turns up soon or I've wasted a stamp.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1703 cashbox1

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:06 PM

just had my mate on the phone sobbing his heart out-he`d spent £350 quid on a West Bromwich Albion  season ticket and lost it - I told him he was a selfish bastard who only thought about himself, when in fact he should be thinking about the poor sod who`s going to find it !! :D :D


ye know too much....


#1704 stanmarsh14

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:52 PM

A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it’s being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.
 
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.
 
So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!” So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.
 
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!”
 
On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM! the dogs dead”
 
She asks, “How did that happen?”
 
The boy replies, “I had a tug and shot him!”

Edited by stanmarsh14, 16 October 2017 - 10:52 PM.


#1705 cashbox1

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Posted 17 October 2017 - 09:26 PM

how do yoou milk a sheep?....you bring out a new iPhone :D :D


ye know too much....


#1706 unclechicken

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 01:41 AM

I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words...

 

"F**k me, a bus!".



#1707 bri365

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 07:12 AM

how do yoou milk a sheep?....you bring out a new iPhone :D :D

I posted this on the 13th of September?????????? Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did you naughty boy.

 

Posted 13 September 2017 - 08:58 PM

How do you milk sheep?

You release a new iphone and charge them a grand for it.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1708 stardust

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Posted 18 October 2017 - 01:18 PM

So wear some thick underwear and don't bend over... ;)

 

Attached File  Capture.PNG   70.12KB   0 downloads


Welcome to the world

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My website <-- take a ganders! :D

My Twitter <-- because I'm a 'twit!  :bigeyes19:

My Facebook <-- because I'm always there...

 

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...and now - the revamped and updated:

 

Fruit-Emu on Facebook

 

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*** Updated with all the latest that is happening here at Fruit Emu;

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Pop over if you have a Facebook account...

and support us there on our community page!


#1709 bri365

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 07:21 AM

A cannibal hobbles back into his village with half a leg and an arm missing,

"thought you went away on holiday" said his mate

"I did, but it was self catering" he replied.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1710 bri365

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Posted 19 October 2017 - 09:04 PM

Managers are like clouds. When they feck off it usually turns out to be a nice day.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1711 bri365

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Posted 25 October 2017 - 07:33 AM

So for this Halloween, the wife suggested we have a horror movie night with each of us choosing our favorite horror movie. Now she's pissed because my choice was our wedding video.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1712 cashbox1

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 09:32 PM

A very drunk paddy meets a prostitute in a dark alley.
Paddy asks "how much for full sex?"
"20" she replies.
"ok" says paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a copper appears and shines a torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?"he asks.
"Nothing officer I'm just having sex with my wife"
"Sorry sir" apologizes the cop "I didn't know that was your wife"
Paddy shouts "neither did I til you shone your feckin torch in her face!"


ye know too much....


#1713 stardust

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 09:40 PM

The mind-thought of leaders eh... ;) 

 

Attached File  22851738_10156005466216802_2939865287295234649_n.jpg   28.54KB   0 downloads


Welcome to the world

 of Daryl... ;)

 

My website <-- take a ganders! :D

My Twitter <-- because I'm a 'twit!  :bigeyes19:

My Facebook <-- because I'm always there...

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

...and now - the revamped and updated:

 

Fruit-Emu on Facebook

 

Exactly how I meant the page to be when I created it three years ago...

with thanks to Alex (aaamusements)

 

 

*** Updated with all the latest that is happening here at Fruit Emu;

*** Competitions for the forums;

*** Encouraging new members to join up and take part in the fun here at the Fruit Emu forums;

 

Pop over if you have a Facebook account...

and support us there on our community page!


#1714 cashbox1

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Posted 27 October 2017 - 09:53 PM

Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.


 


ye know too much....


#1715 stanmarsh14

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Posted 04 November 2017 - 11:57 AM

If you close your eyes whilst rubbing a Kiwi fruit in one hand and a testicle in the other, its hard to tell the difference...

It also gets you banned from Tescos!



#1716 bri365

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Posted 13 November 2017 - 09:42 PM

I've started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1717 stanmarsh14

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Posted 15 November 2017 - 10:57 PM

So Jesus walked into a pub in Derby, got talking to a Scottish bloke who bought Jesus a scotch and Jesus touched him and cured his bad back.

He then walked in a pub in Nottingham and got talking to an Irish bloke who bought Jesus a Guinness, so Jesus touched him and his arthritis was cured.

Jesus walked in the Red Lion Heanor and everyone said 'f*** off, I'm on disability'.



#1718 bri365

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Posted 16 November 2017 - 08:02 AM

As I was running out of Tesco's earlier with a joint of beef under my arm that I had nicked, the security guard shouted to me "what are doing with that?".

"Peas and gravy" I replied and carried on running.


If you killed your parents would you be an orphan?

#1719 unclechicken

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Posted Today, 12:34 AM

A man went to his in-laws' house for a nice meal. When his mother-in-law served up the meal, she asked, "How many potatoes would you like?" "Just one," he answered. "Don't worry," she said. "There's no need to be polite." "Okay," he said. "I'll just have one you fat old cow."

 

-------------------------------------------

 

I thought i'd buy the wife some flowers on the way home from work the other day. I turned up at home and she said "I'll suppose i'll have to open my legs for these?". I replied "Why, haven't we got a vase?"


Edited by unclechicken, Today, 12:34 AM.


#1720 unclechicken

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Posted Today, 12:38 AM

Went to the butchers shop,

"have you got a sheep's head mate" I asked.

"no, it's just the way I comb my hair" he replied

 

Lol thats a bit like, went to the butchers shop and asked him if he had sheeps testicles. He replied "No, its just the way my trousers are hanging"






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