2120 replies to this topic

[hitthesix]

 Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine',

 

that was nice of them.

[bri365]

Been on the phone for an hour trying to find out why BT have given the Met Office my phone number. They say they haven't but some bloke keeps ringing to ask if the coast is clear?

[bri365]

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the window.

Bloody toot and car moon!

[bri365]

Just made a list of all the things I will never get around to doing.....................my Fu***t list

[bri365]

Wife's not talking to me today. Last night we played Doctors and Nurses and I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

[stanmarsh14]

A really hot deaf girl lives near my house

 

I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language.

 

I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.' That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

[stanmarsh14]

The wife, sexually frustrated, asked me, "When was the last time you gave me an orgasm?"

So I said, "This morning."

She cackled with laughter. "Ha! In your dreams!"

 

"No I said.... In your coffee."!

[cashbox1]

just started a new job at a circumcision clinic - im on £200 a week plus a share of the tips

2 tramps were eating out of the bins outside that very same circumcision clinic when 1 said to the other... "here, i dont think much of these crispy onion rings !!"

[hitthesix]

Golfers shot

 

 

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up and down, measuring the distance, figuring out the wind direction and speed.

 

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Why don't you hit the blasted ball."

 

The golfer answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, so I want to make this a perfect shot."

 

 

 

His partner replied, "Forget it, man."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

 

 

 

 

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. 

 

  he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Edited by hitthesix, 03 August 2017 - 05:13 PM.

[stanmarsh14]

North Korean scientists have successfully mated a cat with a dog giving birth to the countries first ever combo meal....

[bri365]

The local vicar is walking down the street one day and see little Billy sitting in the gutter playing with a bottle of liquid.

" what are you doing Billy?" he asks

"Playing with my sulfuric acid" replied Billy.

"that's a very dangerous liquid to be playing with Billy" said the vicar.

"look Vicar" said Billy "I don't tell you not to play with your Holy Water, so leave me alone"

" Billy my boy, you don't understand, Holy Water and sulfuric acid are two very different liquids. Why only the other day I sprinkled Holy Water on Mrs Smiths belly and within a few hours she passed a baby" said the vicar.

" so, yesterday I sprinkled sulfuric acid on my dogs bollocks, and with twenty seconds he had passed a Ferrari" replied Billy

[bri365]

Just found out that I'm completely colour blind. It came out of the purple.

[uptown47]

Just found out that I'm completely colour blind. It came out of the purple.

When I found out they'd discovered a cure for dyslexia it was music to my arse.

[bri365]

What's not getting plucked this Christmas?

Glen Cambell's guitar!!!

 

Wot too soon.......................

[bri365]

Man & beard 50 years ago “Going to the woods to chop down trees”

Man & beard today “Going to the shop there's a face mask that’s gluten-free”

[hitthesix]

St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.

St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.

 

 

"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.

Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath.
"They're gone!" he exclaims.

"What, all forty?" says God.

 

 

 

 

"Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"

[bri365]

the post woman left me a card saying my package was too large, wife said she's a liar.

[bri365]

Doctor told me to have Five -a-day. Well it's been four days now and my arm hurts

[stardust]

Got myself a new communications device to record things...

 

One of my friends asked: "Can I use your Dictaphone?"

 

I replied: "No, use your fingers like everyone else!" 

[dachshund]

I've been so busy teaching my dogs to play the trumpet for the new series of Britain's Got Talent. Ive found the best way was to take them on the London underground. I got them from Barking to Tooting in no time at all