Old joke (it made me giggle)

[RB]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town of Brighton got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."

[PJ]

Bruiser Bear had been throwing Randy Rabbit all over the forest just for fun for years now, and during this latest bashing, Randy was slammed against an old rotting tree trunk, under which was a magic lamp. "Woss this then?" said Bruiser, giving it a clean with his huge paws, when a huge flash and a puff of smoke announced the release of the Genie.

"Free at last!", boomed the Genie, "I have been imprisoned inside that lamp for over eight hundred years! And now I'm out, I can grant you both three wishes each!"

"Well, I'm 'avin' the first wish then" snarled Bruiser smugly, shoving Randy aside to get a better view of the Genie, "I wish all the bears in this woods were female and gagging for me!" - to which the Genie made good immediately.

Randy's first wish was for a red crash helmet and riding goggles, to which the Genie also made good immediately - Bruiser laughed disdainfully at this, and said "You've got no imagination at all - here's my second wish, genie, I want all the bears in the whole country to be female, and gagging for me! What d'you think of that, rabbit?".

Randy's second wish was for a customised Harley Davidson Fat Boy with a cherry-black paint job - Bruiser sniggered again, and said "Off on a tour or summink, are we? Well I'll still be here when you get back, and it'll be nothing but chucking you against trees and shagging all these tasty young bear-bitches - in fact, I'm making my third wish to have all the bears in the world female and all chasing me for a shag!".

The Genie made good on Bruiser's third wish, and soon enough, newly female bears were already approaching. "Here it comes - Pussy Paradise - yes girls, I'm right here, and I'm all yours!", roared Bruiser, "but before I get to bonking for Bear Britain, what's your last wish, wimp?" - to which Randy carefully secured his goggles and helmet round his head, revved up the Harley and declared in a loud and steady voice...


..."I wish Bruiser Bear was GAY!!!!"...


...and quickly sped off into the distance!

[stevedude2]

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"

[unclechicken]

How do you make a snooker table laugh??

Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls

Groan, yes i know its old ops:

[RB]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weawy givths a thit."

[RB]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

[stevedude2]

What's got 4 legs and one arm?


A doberman in a play-ground

[RB]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of Lockets, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lockets.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror , spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

[RB]

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

[PJ]

What's black and white and tells the pope to fuck off?


A nun with 8 score draws...